Mom

Today is my mom’s birthday. This is the 15th year we haven’t been able to celebrate with her. It’s hard, I miss her so much. The hole in my heart will never go away; I’ve just learned to live with it. 

I know this doesn’t have much to do with sanity song of the day but I’m going to tell you about my mom. She was 4 feet 10 inches, tiny only in stature. Born and raised in Brooklyn, NY, she was tough, street smart and didn’t take any shit. At one point in our childhood she was the head umpire of our entire little league. You can only imagine how strong you had to be to deal with little league baseball parents. 

Mom was a teacher. She never had the easy or normal kids. Early in her career she taught physically disabled children. Later in Albuquerque she taught severe behavioral disorder kids that had to be frisked before school... they were 4th and 5th graders. The background and stories of these kids would break your heart, every kind of horrible abuse imaginable, broken homes, born addicted, etc. The toughest of the tough, kids that the rest of society had given up on, but not my mom. She believed every child deserved a chance, every child deserved to be loved. 

One of her former students ran away from home. He traveled 200 miles on foot and went straight to my moms house. He knocked on the door and said “Judi, will you be my mother? You’re the only person who ever loved me.” This was 10 years after he was her student. My Mom adopted him, one of two adopted kids and half a dozen foster children she had. That’s my brother Sean. He would be the first one to tell you my mom saved his life.

My mom gave everything she had to her students, her adopted kids, her foster kids, leaving nothing for herself. The people that she put the most of her gigantic heart into were me and my sister Kira. I wish she could see the adults we are today because of all that love she provided. 

Mom constantly told me how incredible I was, that I would be successful at whatever I wanted to do. That I was a special human and could change the world. She taught me to be kind, loving, caring, emotional and understanding. She made sure I was a feminist and a liberal and to always fight for what I believed in. She wanted me to have conviction, belief and hope, to be sensitive but strong.

People often say sorry when they hear my mom died at a young age. I respond that while I appreciate the sentiment, don’t feel sorry. I had the most amazing mother in the world, I just didn’t have her for long. But I miss her. So much. Today is a hard day. Thanks for letting me share a little about her here. 

The last time I saw my mom was when I took her to the airport the morning after the Rolling Stones at the Hollywood Bowl in 2005. The Stones were my moms favorite band. It was the most amazing night. Kira the “Jedeye” dialed us up in the first row. Sitting directly behind us were the Edge and Lance Armstrong. I’ll never forget the look on my moms face watching the show in awe. “Kieth Richards is not of this world!” But what she loved the most was everyone coming up to her to meet Kira’s mom. She was so proud, beaming, look at how amazing her daughter was!

I was on a business deal in Atlanta when Kira called me and told me Neta found my mom dead. The only thing I remember about the flight back to San Diego is leaning against the airplane window crying uncontrollably.

When I got home I put Exile on Main Street on repeat and listened to it for hours, lying on my bedroom floor in tears making guttural sounds, trying to understand. My heart broke that day. 

Phish has made me cry too many times to count and one more coming up as soon as the lights go down the next time they play live. However there is only one song that will make me cry every time they play it. It makes me think of my mom. It brings me back to my bedroom and to the Hollywood Bowl. It makes me think of my fortunate childhood. It reminds me that it’s ok to be sad but also to be grateful that I was so lucky to have such an incredible mother and she will be part of me forever. My angel beating her wings in time, always shining a light on me. 

I love you mom. Happy birthday. 

Shine A Light